First of all, you should know that I’m a fantastic liar. Ignore
the paradox, and accept I’m telling you the truth. Now, I’m not always such a
galactic asshole, so this only applies to some situations. I’m a normal asshole
the other times. If I’m pressed for time to get to my next appointment, or it’s
getting late in the day (more on that in a bit), I will tell you exactly what
you think you want to hear. I look for cues that you give me on how best to
extinguish the fire that is your cable emergency (TV, internet, or phone). I
won’t troubleshoot the source of the fire; I’m just giving you a pacifier. I
will not only get you involved in helping me sell you a lie, but I will also steer
you into believing that you had the solution for your problem the entire time.
Audience participation is grand, is it not?
Without further ado, I will cite an example I use every day.
This concerns swapping your equipment. I’ll keep things simple and use a modem
for this example. If you hint that you think your rented modem is faulty, I’ll
exchange it for you and praise you for pointing out something so simply
obvious. I’ll even agree with you that the previous tech “didn’t do his job.” Chances
are pretty good, however, that there is a more severe underlying issue that
needs attending to, but I don’t fucking care because I’m one moment closer to
going home for the day. This is my ultimate goal for every goddamn day I work:
going home as early as fuck if possible. Everything else (your problems, your
concerns, traffic, your empty threats of canceling your service, etc.) is just
an impediment to this.
Will I really change
your modem if it was working fine when I got to your home? No, or rather, I’ll
change it if you have the decency not to treat me like a servant or an imbecile
on the basis that you just flat-out want a different modem. Your honesty scores
big points with me, and I’m more willing to extend to you that courtesy even if
that tree bears no fruit. You’ll hear no complaints from me, and you’ll, at
least, have equipment you believe
won’t fuck up on you.
Under most other circumstances, though, I will not exchange
it. I will, however, give you the illusion that I will. Let me explain. I
unplug every cable from your modem. I take your modem to my van but leave the
cables in your home. At this point, if you’re an observant customer, you should
be suspicious. I may have only one modem left in my van, or I may have six, but
if I go to my van with only your modem, I don’t intend to exchange it for
another one. When I get to my van, I’ll remove any stickers that are on your
modem (Gen 3 Tested, Tested By, etc.) and give it a quick wipe-down with WD-40.
Then, I’ll dry it off as best I can. I’ll then look around my van for some
left-over shrink wrap. I’ll grab a nearby power cord (although, it doesn’t even
have to be a modem power cord), a packaged Ethernet cable, and lazily shove all
three into the shrink wrap. As I’m reentering your home, I’ve already begun
acting as if I’m struggling with the shrink wrap on the new modem. I do this because I don’t want you
to notice that I came back with your old modem and open and wrinkled shrink
wrap. I’ll install it the same way you previously had it installed. By this
time, I’ve got you fully believing the lie. I’m a great performance artist, I
know. At which point, I’ll offer you to keep the new power cord and Ethernet
cable. I don’t care if the power cord is for another piece of equipment like a
cable box. If you accept either or both of them, I am, basically, giving you my
trash to throw away. What the eyes see the mind believes, right? If you truly want
a tech to swap out your equipment, be honest, decent and ask him to first bring
the new equipment into your home. It’s not a guarantee this will fix anything,
but you’ll have the peace of mind of having different equipment.
-T. Coheese
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